So I was recently introduced to the concept of "The Game", in that there is a game called The Game which everyone is playing whether they know it or not, and if you know you're playing the game then you've automatically lost, the only way to win at The Game being that you never know you're playing it. You cannot NOT play The Game, and there is never a time in which you are not playing.
While I know this is mainly an activity created to frustrate friends and strangers alike, the transcendental undertones to this "Game" intrigue me. In our day to day lives there are the roles of "games" which we play, and more often then not the more we try to control these aspects the worse they turn out. For those of us who play the "game" of romance, the effort to either create a romantic atmosphere or to have the other person fall in love with us more often then not leads to heartbreak, as does trying to limit the affection given so that your partner likes you but not "too much".
Likewise, those of us playing the "game" of trying to obtain a successful job may often find that setting too many limits will keep us from finding a career that we would truly be happy in. It is only when we forget the desire for success and instead focus on finding fulfilling work that we will truly win, just like true success in the relationship game is when you give up control and instead let whatever emotions occur as they will. We must forget the purpose of the game in order to win the game, and just like in "The Game", it is only when you realize you're playing that you lose, because it is then that you try to control aspects which lie out of your control.
Sorry for rambling here, and sorry for those who have now "Lost The Game" as a result of my musings.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Why Some Friends Are Not Cool
So, a little over a year ago something happened regarding a close friend which I still haven't gotten over. While some may believe that I am holding on to past issues and shouldn't let them affect my current life, I believe that we all get over our past traumas in different ways, and I shouldn't feel bad if I'm still not fully accepting of the experience.
So in the summer of 2009 I was in the middle of a very bad relationship, and through the key manipulation of certain insecurities I have this man managed to convince me that while he loved me, I was a fat, worthless American slut who could never be happy with how things were in my life because everyone around me was just trying to use me, cuz that was all I was good for. I know now that I never should have let him say these things to me, but I was at a vulnerable point in my life and a part of me honestly thought that he was right.
As you can imagine, this put me in a very dark place emotionally, which culminated one night when I was drunk at a party, and decided that taking a bottle of pills would be a good way to make it all end. I didn't find any pills, and decided to settle for sitting on the floor of her kitchen and crying. Meanwhile, two of my friends were in a drunken argument over the male friend's desire for a blow job and the other friend's desire to sleep and not give him one. The male friend then helped me get up off the floor, and took me into the family room, which was empty.
Between drinking and crying, I wasn't fully aware of what was going on, and had figured that he was just moving me onto a nicer sitting area, and when he kissed me I thought he was just trying to help me feel better, which made perfect sense in drunk land. It wasn't until he unbuttoned his pants that I started to think something was odd, and when he tried to push me down I looked at him confused, saying "I don't wanna". At this he scoffed, drunkenly slurring that he knew I wanted to do it, that I've wanted him for years (which is the opposite of true), and that he was going to give me what I wanted. He shoved my head down there again, and as I was emotionally broken down and felt as though I obviously no longer had a right to stand up for what I wanted, I gave up on arguing.
The next morning he apologized profusely for what happened, saying he was really drunk and he didn't know what he was thinking and he couldn't remember much about that night anyway, and he asked if we could just pretend things never happened and never talk about it to anyone, which I agreed to because I really didn't want to have to deal with having to make things with our mutual friends awkward. Fast forward to last summer, when at a 4th of July party this male friend ended up telling me that many of our friends "knew" about what happened, though he told many of them that we got drunk and "fooled around", making it into some thing that he and I did where I came off as being slutty and needy and he came off as being a guy who "gave into his urges".
I was hurt, and I was mad, and suddenly all of the negative emotions I had been holding back about the event came flooding back into my conscious mind as I now had to deal with the feeling of being used but also of being betrayed by someone who I thought I had trusted. Luckily he soon moved far enough that I didn't have to deal with him, and his actions towards another friend have convinced me that he is an aggressive jerk who will likely lose all contact with the friends I interact with. I dropped all contact with the friends who he told his version of events to, and so I hope that I can once again learn to get over everything, though this time I feel it will be longer, as I didn't deal with it the first time around.
I know that there are people out there whose assault stories are worse than mine, but I felt that I finally had to say my side of what happened so I no longer feel like I'm always in the wrong. I may have lost my trust in a friend, but I know I won't lose faith in them all.
So in the summer of 2009 I was in the middle of a very bad relationship, and through the key manipulation of certain insecurities I have this man managed to convince me that while he loved me, I was a fat, worthless American slut who could never be happy with how things were in my life because everyone around me was just trying to use me, cuz that was all I was good for. I know now that I never should have let him say these things to me, but I was at a vulnerable point in my life and a part of me honestly thought that he was right.
As you can imagine, this put me in a very dark place emotionally, which culminated one night when I was drunk at a party, and decided that taking a bottle of pills would be a good way to make it all end. I didn't find any pills, and decided to settle for sitting on the floor of her kitchen and crying. Meanwhile, two of my friends were in a drunken argument over the male friend's desire for a blow job and the other friend's desire to sleep and not give him one. The male friend then helped me get up off the floor, and took me into the family room, which was empty.
Between drinking and crying, I wasn't fully aware of what was going on, and had figured that he was just moving me onto a nicer sitting area, and when he kissed me I thought he was just trying to help me feel better, which made perfect sense in drunk land. It wasn't until he unbuttoned his pants that I started to think something was odd, and when he tried to push me down I looked at him confused, saying "I don't wanna". At this he scoffed, drunkenly slurring that he knew I wanted to do it, that I've wanted him for years (which is the opposite of true), and that he was going to give me what I wanted. He shoved my head down there again, and as I was emotionally broken down and felt as though I obviously no longer had a right to stand up for what I wanted, I gave up on arguing.
The next morning he apologized profusely for what happened, saying he was really drunk and he didn't know what he was thinking and he couldn't remember much about that night anyway, and he asked if we could just pretend things never happened and never talk about it to anyone, which I agreed to because I really didn't want to have to deal with having to make things with our mutual friends awkward. Fast forward to last summer, when at a 4th of July party this male friend ended up telling me that many of our friends "knew" about what happened, though he told many of them that we got drunk and "fooled around", making it into some thing that he and I did where I came off as being slutty and needy and he came off as being a guy who "gave into his urges".
I was hurt, and I was mad, and suddenly all of the negative emotions I had been holding back about the event came flooding back into my conscious mind as I now had to deal with the feeling of being used but also of being betrayed by someone who I thought I had trusted. Luckily he soon moved far enough that I didn't have to deal with him, and his actions towards another friend have convinced me that he is an aggressive jerk who will likely lose all contact with the friends I interact with. I dropped all contact with the friends who he told his version of events to, and so I hope that I can once again learn to get over everything, though this time I feel it will be longer, as I didn't deal with it the first time around.
I know that there are people out there whose assault stories are worse than mine, but I felt that I finally had to say my side of what happened so I no longer feel like I'm always in the wrong. I may have lost my trust in a friend, but I know I won't lose faith in them all.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Bend it Like Beckham
For some reasons, Bend it Like Beckham is one of my favorite movies of all time. I just keep watching it over and over again. I love how low key the movie is while still managing to be funny and charming, and the fact that the dad manages to make me teary eyed every time I watch it doesn't hurt. After all, every girl needs a good cry every now and again. I've started to become quite the soccer fan these past few years, and every time I watch this film I appreciate the game more and more, giving me the needed soccer fix in between FIFA games (sometimes I get tired of watching soccer in Spanish, k?).
Bend it Like Beckham has two shining stars in its cast - a young Keira Knightly and the lovely Miss Parminder Nagra, who is the main character of the film. Parminder Nagra is a British Indian, and Bend it Like Beckham was her first acting role, followed soon after by a role in Ella Enchanted and after that a six year stint on ER, which is way awesome! I can't wait to see what else she'll be starring in :)
Bend it Like Beckham has two shining stars in its cast - a young Keira Knightly and the lovely Miss Parminder Nagra, who is the main character of the film. Parminder Nagra is a British Indian, and Bend it Like Beckham was her first acting role, followed soon after by a role in Ella Enchanted and after that a six year stint on ER, which is way awesome! I can't wait to see what else she'll be starring in :)
Thursday, August 12, 2010
What Makes Ones Identity?
For the past couple of days I've been reading "Made in America" a rather fascinating book about the lives of immigrant students in the American school system. They focus on this one school in California, giving perspectives of the new immigrated ESL students, minority students who are fluent in English and in regular classes, and the "normal" students who are white/black and see themselves as fully American. It was really interesting to see how these three groups of students perceived each other and the school they all attended, and how they all worked to find peace between their ethnic identity, school societal politics, and what they felt was right.
I originally picked up the book because I thought it may help prepare me for when I teach later on by helping me see possible perspectives my students may be coming into my class with, but as I was reading I found myself comparing the students with myself and my friends back when we were in high school. While I think that my school did rather well with integrating the needs of the immigrant students, providing a good number of ESL and bilingual classes, I do remember that some invisible lines were drawn as to where certain students went. For example, I knew not to take Tagalog as my foreign language because I'd be one of the only people in the class who didn't hear it at home, and I was also very aware that while I could take regular Dance PE, I couldn't take Ballet Folklorico no matter how interesting I thought it would be.
While I hung out with a diverse group of friends ethnically speaking, most of the people I spent time with grew up in the same town as me, and those who immigrated to the US acted rather American now that I think about it. I never really thought much about people's ethnic backgrounds til they did something which would remind me of it, like Ashley speaking in Spanish when she called her Mom or Kathy speaking in Tagalog to some of the other girls in our PE class, or when Ly got mad when the teacher didn't talk about the US' Japanese internment camps during WWII.
Thinking back on it now, I wonder what that meant, that I was completely oblivious to the backgrounds of my friends. Either I'm an incredibly oblivious individual, or I live my life assuming that everyone's family is different, so I don't notice cultural differences as I figure it's part of the "everyone's different" aspect of life.
I originally picked up the book because I thought it may help prepare me for when I teach later on by helping me see possible perspectives my students may be coming into my class with, but as I was reading I found myself comparing the students with myself and my friends back when we were in high school. While I think that my school did rather well with integrating the needs of the immigrant students, providing a good number of ESL and bilingual classes, I do remember that some invisible lines were drawn as to where certain students went. For example, I knew not to take Tagalog as my foreign language because I'd be one of the only people in the class who didn't hear it at home, and I was also very aware that while I could take regular Dance PE, I couldn't take Ballet Folklorico no matter how interesting I thought it would be.
While I hung out with a diverse group of friends ethnically speaking, most of the people I spent time with grew up in the same town as me, and those who immigrated to the US acted rather American now that I think about it. I never really thought much about people's ethnic backgrounds til they did something which would remind me of it, like Ashley speaking in Spanish when she called her Mom or Kathy speaking in Tagalog to some of the other girls in our PE class, or when Ly got mad when the teacher didn't talk about the US' Japanese internment camps during WWII.
Thinking back on it now, I wonder what that meant, that I was completely oblivious to the backgrounds of my friends. Either I'm an incredibly oblivious individual, or I live my life assuming that everyone's family is different, so I don't notice cultural differences as I figure it's part of the "everyone's different" aspect of life.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Chili and Cornbread!! OMG!!
So for the past few days I've been debating on making chili from scratch, and today finally became the day where I stopped procrastinating and did it. I looked at some recipes online to get a sense of cooking times, and pretty much went off what I had in my apartment.
1 rather large yellow onion, finely chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped
1 bag of Gardenstart's mock ground beef
1 can black beans
1 can kidney beans
1/2 bag of frozen corn
1 package of chili spice mix, with added chili powder, black pepper, and a lot of garlic
I cooked the onion for about 5 minutes with the garlic I had in the fridge, then put in the bell peppers and the Gardenstart. I let that cook til the frozen meat was nice and hot, then added the spices and the beans and corn. I probably simmered it for about 45 minutes, then ate it with some cornbread I made from a mix (Marie Callender's Honey Bread Cornbread Mix).
The chili was decent enough, though next time I think I'd put in the corn same time as the mock meat so they can get a bit softer, and I really need to put in some more spices next time. I hear chili is a dish that is always better the next day, so I guess I'll see if tomorrow's serving will make me think differently. I definitely needed more chilies in my chili, and I think I'll need some corn flour so I can thicken the liquid instead of just cooking most of it out.
1 rather large yellow onion, finely chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped
1 bag of Gardenstart's mock ground beef
1 can black beans
1 can kidney beans
1/2 bag of frozen corn
1 package of chili spice mix, with added chili powder, black pepper, and a lot of garlic
I cooked the onion for about 5 minutes with the garlic I had in the fridge, then put in the bell peppers and the Gardenstart. I let that cook til the frozen meat was nice and hot, then added the spices and the beans and corn. I probably simmered it for about 45 minutes, then ate it with some cornbread I made from a mix (Marie Callender's Honey Bread Cornbread Mix).
The chili was decent enough, though next time I think I'd put in the corn same time as the mock meat so they can get a bit softer, and I really need to put in some more spices next time. I hear chili is a dish that is always better the next day, so I guess I'll see if tomorrow's serving will make me think differently. I definitely needed more chilies in my chili, and I think I'll need some corn flour so I can thicken the liquid instead of just cooking most of it out.
One Week!! Yay!!
It is with a happy heart that I anticipate the end of the summer school session. While I have met many fun people and had many enjoyable experiences, these classes have finally taken their emotional toll, and I eagerly await the end so that I may rest and prepare for the semester ahead. This second semester of Spanish has been particularly hard for me, and I cannot wait to have my instructor from first semester back to teach me the final Spanish lesson in a 16 week setting instead of a 5 1/2 week one.
I now find myself more preoccupied with planning my 11 days of freedom instead of studying for my final. My emotional investment in this class has reached its end, and I cannot wait for the glorious days of freedom to come. I forsee days of thrifting, sleeping in, and possibly getting over my fears and attending temple by my lonesome. A girl can dream, right?
I now find myself more preoccupied with planning my 11 days of freedom instead of studying for my final. My emotional investment in this class has reached its end, and I cannot wait for the glorious days of freedom to come. I forsee days of thrifting, sleeping in, and possibly getting over my fears and attending temple by my lonesome. A girl can dream, right?
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Inception OMG
Last Sunday I was studying for my midterm with Dalinda, who I seem to be hanging out with all the freaking time now. After we were done reviewing verb tenses and such, she decided that I didn't have anything else to do today (yes, she decided it. Guess I should be grateful that I didn't have anything to do), so she took me to the mall up in Grossmont, where we saw Inception.
Now, I came into this movie not really expecting much. I know everyone was saying that it was going to be so amazing and blow your mind and blah blah blah, but all the hype did was make me come in expecting to see the same stuff that everyone said blew their mind in other movies. While I left the movie with a fully intact, unblown mind (and thank goodness for that, I like using my mind after all), I was pleasantly surprised with the overall quality of the film. DiCaprio always surprises me with how well he acts, and the more he ages the more attractive he becomes, which is interesting since he's nowhere near my type yet I somehow manage to still find him good looking.
I don't want to say too much about the movie, cuz I hate people who give spoilers, but all I'll say is that I've had dreams trippier then the ones in Inception, and the "twists" were all things that I feel have been done before. It's ideal for seeing in theaters where the special effects seem more impressive, but is one of those which really isn't good enough on its own to buy for home viewing, at least in my opinion. All in all, I'd give it a solid B.
Now, I came into this movie not really expecting much. I know everyone was saying that it was going to be so amazing and blow your mind and blah blah blah, but all the hype did was make me come in expecting to see the same stuff that everyone said blew their mind in other movies. While I left the movie with a fully intact, unblown mind (and thank goodness for that, I like using my mind after all), I was pleasantly surprised with the overall quality of the film. DiCaprio always surprises me with how well he acts, and the more he ages the more attractive he becomes, which is interesting since he's nowhere near my type yet I somehow manage to still find him good looking.
I don't want to say too much about the movie, cuz I hate people who give spoilers, but all I'll say is that I've had dreams trippier then the ones in Inception, and the "twists" were all things that I feel have been done before. It's ideal for seeing in theaters where the special effects seem more impressive, but is one of those which really isn't good enough on its own to buy for home viewing, at least in my opinion. All in all, I'd give it a solid B.
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