So, a little over a year ago something happened regarding a close friend which I still haven't gotten over. While some may believe that I am holding on to past issues and shouldn't let them affect my current life, I believe that we all get over our past traumas in different ways, and I shouldn't feel bad if I'm still not fully accepting of the experience.
So in the summer of 2009 I was in the middle of a very bad relationship, and through the key manipulation of certain insecurities I have this man managed to convince me that while he loved me, I was a fat, worthless American slut who could never be happy with how things were in my life because everyone around me was just trying to use me, cuz that was all I was good for. I know now that I never should have let him say these things to me, but I was at a vulnerable point in my life and a part of me honestly thought that he was right.
As you can imagine, this put me in a very dark place emotionally, which culminated one night when I was drunk at a party, and decided that taking a bottle of pills would be a good way to make it all end. I didn't find any pills, and decided to settle for sitting on the floor of her kitchen and crying. Meanwhile, two of my friends were in a drunken argument over the male friend's desire for a blow job and the other friend's desire to sleep and not give him one. The male friend then helped me get up off the floor, and took me into the family room, which was empty.
Between drinking and crying, I wasn't fully aware of what was going on, and had figured that he was just moving me onto a nicer sitting area, and when he kissed me I thought he was just trying to help me feel better, which made perfect sense in drunk land. It wasn't until he unbuttoned his pants that I started to think something was odd, and when he tried to push me down I looked at him confused, saying "I don't wanna". At this he scoffed, drunkenly slurring that he knew I wanted to do it, that I've wanted him for years (which is the opposite of true), and that he was going to give me what I wanted. He shoved my head down there again, and as I was emotionally broken down and felt as though I obviously no longer had a right to stand up for what I wanted, I gave up on arguing.
The next morning he apologized profusely for what happened, saying he was really drunk and he didn't know what he was thinking and he couldn't remember much about that night anyway, and he asked if we could just pretend things never happened and never talk about it to anyone, which I agreed to because I really didn't want to have to deal with having to make things with our mutual friends awkward. Fast forward to last summer, when at a 4th of July party this male friend ended up telling me that many of our friends "knew" about what happened, though he told many of them that we got drunk and "fooled around", making it into some thing that he and I did where I came off as being slutty and needy and he came off as being a guy who "gave into his urges".
I was hurt, and I was mad, and suddenly all of the negative emotions I had been holding back about the event came flooding back into my conscious mind as I now had to deal with the feeling of being used but also of being betrayed by someone who I thought I had trusted. Luckily he soon moved far enough that I didn't have to deal with him, and his actions towards another friend have convinced me that he is an aggressive jerk who will likely lose all contact with the friends I interact with. I dropped all contact with the friends who he told his version of events to, and so I hope that I can once again learn to get over everything, though this time I feel it will be longer, as I didn't deal with it the first time around.
I know that there are people out there whose assault stories are worse than mine, but I felt that I finally had to say my side of what happened so I no longer feel like I'm always in the wrong. I may have lost my trust in a friend, but I know I won't lose faith in them all.
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